Childrens' Safety Song

My son, who is six, was recently required to learn a short song about crossing a street safely.

(Sung to the tune of, "Mary Had a Little Lamb")
Look before you cross the street, cross the street, cross the street.
Look before you cross the street; Left, right, left.
Stop and look before you cross,
To stay safe each day.

Look before you cross the street, cross the street, cross the street.
Look before you cross the street; Left right, left.
Stop and look before you cross,
To stay safe each.

My son was less than impressed. I am fairly certain that if he didn't already know how to cross the street that this little ditty would not have taught him how. So, (because I am an awesome dad with good parody skills) I came up with an alternative that is catchier, has more memorable lyrics, and that my son actually likes.

(Also sung to the tune of, "Mary Had a Little Lamb")
Look before you cross the street, cross the street, cross the street,
Look before you cross the street,
Or you'll get hit-by-a-truck!

Guts and organs all around, all around, all around,
Guts and organs all around,
That used to be in you!

Nothing left but a bloody smear, bloody smear, bloody smear,
Nothing left but a bloody smear,
Drying in the sun!

Now there's a song with a message that sticks with the listener.

Foul Mouthed Little...

I have two kids and because of that I am often exposed to other little kids I am not responsible for. Often times I have seen them get very, very angry. They stomp, yell, and throw some awesome tantrums. When I relate stories of particularly good fits to my wife I frequently add my own twist to the tale.

Say a little boy wants his mom to get him chocolate milk with his Mc-future-health-problems Meal, but she insists on the regular milk. In reality he will say, "Mom! I want the choc'ate* milk! Not the yucky milk", and follow that up with a noise I cannot repeat with out causing damage to my sinuses. When I relate this to my wife the boy will say, "Bitch! I said I want choc-ate* milk. Not the that fucking white bullshit you're fixated on".

My wife tells me I am horrible for putting words like in a child's mouth but I don't agree. I am just saying what they would say if they knew how to use those words. The sentiment is certainly there, they just lack the vocabulary. So next time a little kid is mad at you and you feel like they really want to call you a, "mouth breathing, fuck-tard that that doesn't have the brains to jerk off and use a mouse at the same time", just remember its only their lack of words not any kind of self control that stops them. They're little kids and while they may have no Id control they are damned honest.

* Lame-assed attempt a replicating little kid cuteness.

If I Wrote Comicbooks

(Our scene opens with Wolverine, Cyclops, and Rogue fighting several U-bots (robot minions of Ultron) in a shipyard. Cyclops starts taking them out from a distance as Rogue barrels through them)

Wolverine: I'm not gonna let them have all the fun.

(He dives at a cluster of four U-bots. He starts by slicing the head off of the first and throws the body at two others. Then he lunges at the fourth and plants his claws directly into it's chest. As soon as his fists hit the U-bot's chest his hair sticks straight out, he starts shaking uncontrollably, and smoke starts coming out of his nose and ears. He continues his electrocution mambo until Cyclops blasts the U-bot away. Wolverine falls to the ground in a slightly smoking heap.)

Cyclops: Logan, are you all right? (He rushes over and kneels on one knee to check his fallen team mate)

(Rogue flies in and lands a couple yards away from Cyclops and Wolverine. She starts towards the two men.)

Rogue: Oh mah gawd. Is he gonna be alri- (she is cut off by a loud 'splish' sound) WHAT THE HELL?!? (She looks down at ground) Oh damn that's ah lotta piss!

Cyclops: Oh fuck! It is piss and I'm kneeling in it! (He jumps backs and starts urgently wiping at his knee) How much frigging beer did you drink today? It's not even 4:00pm yet!

(Wolverine struggles to get to his feet)

Wolverine: That's not mine, bub.

Cyclops: Tell that to my dry cleaners, Logan.

Wolverine: No, really. That was already there.

Rogue: Raight, Wolvie. Some one else just happened to take a HUGE piss right here before our fight.

Cyclops: It's still warm.

(Wolverine is visibly agitated at this)

Wolverine: Look, I just took about 10,000 volts and was dead for a few moments there. Let's see either of you do that and keep your pants dry.

Cyclops: I suppose you have a point.

Rogue: Okay, okay. Calm down, darlin'. It's not that bigga deal.

(Wolverine brushes himself off as best he can)

Wolverine: Now let's just keep this little incident to ourselves and get going.

(Cyclops and Rogue look and one another and then bust out laughing. Wolverine is very obviously pissed off by this)

Wolverine: All right, fuck you both. I pissed myself, it happens. Now, grow the fuck up and let it go!

(Cyclops has to take off his visor to wipe the tears away and Rogue is nearly doubled over laughing.)

Rogue: Darlin' it's not that. (She points over Wolverine's shoulder) Look behind you.

(Wolverine looks very puzzled but slowly turns around to see the Avengers, Fantastic Four, Spider-man, and a host of other New York based heroes all standing in the ship yard)

Spider-man: We saw the fireworks and came to help but it looks like you put the fire out all by yourself, Wolvie.

(All of the assembled heroes start laughing hysterically. Wolverine's shoulders slump.)

Wolverine: I'll be in the Blackbird.

Cyclops: Not unless you lay down a towel or something, mister.

(END)

This story is also available with better intro at A Bureaucracy of One.