I was chatting with my afore mentioned friend from two posts ago about doing short stories on all the members of Devil's Wetdream. I questioned whether Queen Queef really needed her own and my friend took that as a challenge.
Harry responded to the 911 call about an obese woman in a tank top and loincloth with some trepidation. He was eight months from retirement, and tangling with a Super, never mind an obese crazy lady, was pretty low on his, " To Do", list. As he neared the address, he felt more than heard a subsonic boom that rattled his filings. This was followed by a noxious odor of rotten eggs and...filth. Eyes watering, he cautiously pulled his squad car forward, only to slam on the brakes as a late-model Civic blasted in the front of his grille, pushed by another subsonic boom. Crazily looking around, he spied the obese (very, very, VERY obese woman) laying on the ground, loincloth askew. At first he thought she had collapsed from a heartattack, but then he saw her stomach heave, and her legs shift. "Fuck this shit!" he thought as he slammed the car in reverse, speeding out of the line of oncoming destruction just in time to miss getting creamed by a Mini Cooper. Grabbing his radio, he called into HQ; "Get the friggin' Super Troopers up here! We got us a LIVE ONE!" he screamed, just as his car was flipped by yet another blast.
A challenge that I'd say was met and destroyed. Awesome stuff, my friend. Kudos.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Skullfuck
Rumble dropped down through the opening in the top of the elevator. No normal man could have scaled the outside of the building and then down nine stories of elevator cable. The hallway looked empty but he could smell the leather and sweat of someone standing in the shadows. Another moment and could tell it was a woman and that she was unarmed. Deep down he hoped that she was a fighter and that he might have a chance to really let go, but he knew he needed to secure the elevator and hallway so his team could have a safe entrance to the building. There was no way to use stealth so he chose the head on approach. Hoping that his increased speed would be enough surprise he charged at the woman. She stepped into the light, she was smaller than he expected and wore lots of leather and a cloth skull mask. Her eyes glowed purple and he could feel her trying to get into his mind. Unfortunately for her he was faster and tougher than expected; he grabbed her top-knot and slammed her hard into a wall.
The impact knocked her out cold; he should have been happy it was so easy but he'd really hoped for more. His desire for a fight led him to start checking doors instead of waiting for the rest of the team to show up. The first two rooms were empty but the third held a real surprise. In it was someone he knew, Becca Bennett. She was handcuffed to a radiator and her clothes were in tatters. None of that mattered though, all he could think about was that the girl he'd wanted so bad in high school was here. Every protective instinct in him surged as he easily snapped the handcuffs holding her. “Don't worry. You're safe now”, he whispered as he pulled her up to him. At the sound of his voice her eyes opened, “Tony...Tony White?”, she gasped. He was thrilled that she remembered him and even more thrilled that she started to kiss him. They were all over one another; he quickly stripped off his gear as she tore off what remained of her clothes. In moments they were on the floor and he was doing what he'd only dreamed about. She felt incredible and he was lost to everything but the sensation of her wrapped around him. Then he heard another voice that he knew even better than Becca's. It was his mother and she repeated her initial statement, “I don't think you're doing it right”. This was followed by, “You're making all the same mistakes that your father's been making for 35 years”. He looked frantically about for her before he he realized that his sex partner was gone. Not that he didn't have a sex partner, only now he was balls deep in his mom. “Slow down and start pinching my nipples. Do what I say and we'll get this thing done right”, she instructed with a smile.
The screaming man was easier to roll back into the elevator than Skullfuck would have thought. It was really helpful that he had curled up into a little ball. As she punched the button to send him back to the top of the building she hoped they would be stupid enough to send someone else down to her. One or two more victims and maybe she'd be able to hold off her own mental terrors long enough to get a decent night's sleep.
The impact knocked her out cold; he should have been happy it was so easy but he'd really hoped for more. His desire for a fight led him to start checking doors instead of waiting for the rest of the team to show up. The first two rooms were empty but the third held a real surprise. In it was someone he knew, Becca Bennett. She was handcuffed to a radiator and her clothes were in tatters. None of that mattered though, all he could think about was that the girl he'd wanted so bad in high school was here. Every protective instinct in him surged as he easily snapped the handcuffs holding her. “Don't worry. You're safe now”, he whispered as he pulled her up to him. At the sound of his voice her eyes opened, “Tony...Tony White?”, she gasped. He was thrilled that she remembered him and even more thrilled that she started to kiss him. They were all over one another; he quickly stripped off his gear as she tore off what remained of her clothes. In moments they were on the floor and he was doing what he'd only dreamed about. She felt incredible and he was lost to everything but the sensation of her wrapped around him. Then he heard another voice that he knew even better than Becca's. It was his mother and she repeated her initial statement, “I don't think you're doing it right”. This was followed by, “You're making all the same mistakes that your father's been making for 35 years”. He looked frantically about for her before he he realized that his sex partner was gone. Not that he didn't have a sex partner, only now he was balls deep in his mom. “Slow down and start pinching my nipples. Do what I say and we'll get this thing done right”, she instructed with a smile.
The screaming man was easier to roll back into the elevator than Skullfuck would have thought. It was really helpful that he had curled up into a little ball. As she punched the button to send him back to the top of the building she hoped they would be stupid enough to send someone else down to her. One or two more victims and maybe she'd be able to hold off her own mental terrors long enough to get a decent night's sleep.
Another Comic Book Writing Post
Here is a mildly edited transcript of a discussion I had with a friend (who is important enough to me that I will not publicly connect him, or her, to this conversation) about a comic book related idea I had recently.
HWNNBN: Don't know where this came from but I had a super villain team inspiration. "Devil's Wetdream", consists of Donkey Punch, Luv Slug, and Skullfuck.
HWNNBN: Don't know where this came from but I had a super villain team inspiration. "Devil's Wetdream", consists of Donkey Punch, Luv Slug, and Skullfuck.
Friend: Was this a dream, or something you came up with at work?
HWNNBN: Oh, this was work.
Friend: Okay, it sounded like something you would come up with in a period of down time. What are the powers of Luv Slug and Skullfuck...though the last one seems fairly self-explanatory
HWNNBN: I was pretty bored at the time. Actually it came to me while stuck in traffic. Luv Slug is a huge, addictive goo dripping, slug that smears and smothers his opponents. Skullfuck is less literal than it might seem. He causes horrible hallucinations in his victims.
Friend: Ah, more of a metaphorical skullfuck
HWNNBN: Yes. I'm trying to come up with something that not too lame or trite for Donkey Punch. I am very tired so it is difficult. Mostly I thought a villain named Donkey Punch was funny.
Friend: Oh, it is. Just make him a deranged pugilist that runs around in a paper-mache donkey head, sporting brass knuckles on each fist
HWNNBN: For a moment I pictured an anthropomorphic donkey dressed like Rocky Balboa. I like your idea more; that is really funny.
Friend: Thanks.
HWNNBN: Is Queen Queef too much?
Friend: Not at all
HWNNBN: Her powers are pretty self obvious; odor attack and sonic boom. I figure she's a rather large lass that wears a loin cloth.
Friend: That is a horrifying mental image
HWNNBN: Maybe a small crown and a tee shirt that reads, "More cushion for the pushin'!". I keep picturing her leaning slightly forward, "FRARP", and then the loin cloth billowing out accompanied by a large yellow cloud.
Friend: Actually (and I'm horrified that I am trying to make this correction) for her queefing powers to work, she would most likely need to lie prone with her legs spread. Most heroes are so disgusted by her appearance that they hesitate when she lies down. The resulting thunderclap and noxious cloud are then enough to daze and confuse them even further, allowing for her leisurely escape
HWNNBN: Or a hero punching her and briefly getting their fist trapped in one of her folds. When they free themselves the find random junk like partially decomposed food, remote control, old condoms, etc. All this and a coating of fold gunk all over their arm. I agree that laying down is how the sonic boom should be accomplished. It's kinda sad and more than a little wrong that she's become the best defined character so far.
Friend: Well, Skullfuck could be a guy (or gal) who OD'd on shrooms, acid, and salvia all at the same time. It "unlocked" his/her brain in such a way that s/he only gets relief in inflicting the hallucinations on others
HWNNBN: Very nice. I like that so much. I need to go sleep now. Let me know tomorrow if any sex toy inspired villains leap to your mind tonight.
Friend: Okay, will do. Have a good night!
HWNNBN: Good night.
If I committed myself more to my writing I have no doubt that I could be getting the big names in the comic book industry sending me all sorts of denials and fancy restraining orders in no time at all.
HWNNBN: Oh, this was work.
Friend: Okay, it sounded like something you would come up with in a period of down time. What are the powers of Luv Slug and Skullfuck...though the last one seems fairly self-explanatory
HWNNBN: I was pretty bored at the time. Actually it came to me while stuck in traffic. Luv Slug is a huge, addictive goo dripping, slug that smears and smothers his opponents. Skullfuck is less literal than it might seem. He causes horrible hallucinations in his victims.
Friend: Ah, more of a metaphorical skullfuck
HWNNBN: Yes. I'm trying to come up with something that not too lame or trite for Donkey Punch. I am very tired so it is difficult. Mostly I thought a villain named Donkey Punch was funny.
Friend: Oh, it is. Just make him a deranged pugilist that runs around in a paper-mache donkey head, sporting brass knuckles on each fist
HWNNBN: For a moment I pictured an anthropomorphic donkey dressed like Rocky Balboa. I like your idea more; that is really funny.
Friend: Thanks.
HWNNBN: Is Queen Queef too much?
Friend: Not at all
HWNNBN: Her powers are pretty self obvious; odor attack and sonic boom. I figure she's a rather large lass that wears a loin cloth.
Friend: That is a horrifying mental image
HWNNBN: Maybe a small crown and a tee shirt that reads, "More cushion for the pushin'!". I keep picturing her leaning slightly forward, "FRARP", and then the loin cloth billowing out accompanied by a large yellow cloud.
Friend: Actually (and I'm horrified that I am trying to make this correction) for her queefing powers to work, she would most likely need to lie prone with her legs spread. Most heroes are so disgusted by her appearance that they hesitate when she lies down. The resulting thunderclap and noxious cloud are then enough to daze and confuse them even further, allowing for her leisurely escape
HWNNBN: Or a hero punching her and briefly getting their fist trapped in one of her folds. When they free themselves the find random junk like partially decomposed food, remote control, old condoms, etc. All this and a coating of fold gunk all over their arm. I agree that laying down is how the sonic boom should be accomplished. It's kinda sad and more than a little wrong that she's become the best defined character so far.
Friend: Well, Skullfuck could be a guy (or gal) who OD'd on shrooms, acid, and salvia all at the same time. It "unlocked" his/her brain in such a way that s/he only gets relief in inflicting the hallucinations on others
HWNNBN: Very nice. I like that so much. I need to go sleep now. Let me know tomorrow if any sex toy inspired villains leap to your mind tonight.
Friend: Okay, will do. Have a good night!
HWNNBN: Good night.
If I committed myself more to my writing I have no doubt that I could be getting the big names in the comic book industry sending me all sorts of denials and fancy restraining orders in no time at all.
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