It Makes Sense to Me

Queen Queef

2011-06-30T23:34:00.001-04:00

I was chatting with my afore mentioned friend from two posts ago about doing short stories on all the members of Devil's Wetdream. I questioned whether Queen Queef really needed her own and my friend took that as a challenge.

Harry responded to the 911 call about an obese woman in a tank top and loincloth with some trepidation. He was eight months from retirement, and tangling with a Super, never mind an obese crazy lady, was pretty low on his, " To Do", list. As he neared the address, he felt more than heard a subsonic boom that rattled his filings. This was followed by a noxious odor of rotten eggs and...filth. Eyes watering, he cautiously pulled his squad car forward, only to slam on the brakes as a late-model Civic blasted in the front of his grille, pushed by another subsonic boom. Crazily looking around, he spied the obese (very, very, VERY obese woman) laying on the ground, loincloth askew. At first he thought she had collapsed from a heartattack, but then he saw her stomach heave, and her legs shift. "Fuck this shit!" he thought as he slammed the car in reverse, speeding out of the line of oncoming destruction just in time to miss getting creamed by a Mini Cooper. Grabbing his radio, he called into HQ; "Get the friggin' Super Troopers up here! We got us a LIVE ONE!" he screamed, just as his car was flipped by yet another blast.

A challenge that I'd say was met and destroyed. Awesome stuff, my friend. Kudos.

Skullfuck

2011-06-30T21:38:00.010-04:00

Rumble dropped down through the opening in the top of the elevator. No normal man could have scaled the outside of the building and then down nine stories of elevator cable. The hallway looked empty but he could smell the leather and sweat of someone standing in the shadows. Another moment and could tell it was a woman and that she was unarmed. Deep down he hoped that she was a fighter and that he might have a chance to really let go, but he knew he needed to secure the elevator and hallway so his team could have a safe entrance to the building. There was no way to use stealth so he chose the head on approach. Hoping that his increased speed would be enough surprise he charged at the woman. She stepped into the light, she was smaller than he expected and wore lots of leather and a cloth skull mask. Her eyes glowed purple and he could feel her trying to get into his mind. Unfortunately for her he was faster and tougher than expected; he grabbed her top-knot and slammed her hard into a wall.

The impact knocked her out cold; he should have been happy it was so easy but he'd really hoped for more. His desire for a fight led him to start checking doors instead of waiting for the rest of the team to show up. The first two rooms were empty but the third held a real surprise. In it was someone he knew, Becca Bennett. She was handcuffed to a radiator and her clothes were in tatters. None of that mattered though, all he could think about was that the girl he'd wanted so bad in high school was here. Every protective instinct in him surged as he easily snapped the handcuffs holding her. “Don't worry. You're safe now”, he whispered as he pulled her up to him. At the sound of his voice her eyes opened, “Tony...Tony White?”, she gasped. He was thrilled that she remembered him and even more thrilled that she started to kiss him. They were all over one another; he quickly stripped off his gear as she tore off what remained of her clothes. In moments they were on the floor and he was doing what he'd only dreamed about. She felt incredible and he was lost to everything but the sensation of her wrapped around him. Then he heard another voice that he knew even better than Becca's. It was his mother and she repeated her initial statement, “I don't think you're doing it right”. This was followed by, “You're making all the same mistakes that your father's been making for 35 years”. He looked frantically about for her before he he realized that his sex partner was gone. Not that he didn't have a sex partner, only now he was balls deep in his mom. “Slow down and start pinching my nipples. Do what I say and we'll get this thing done right”, she instructed with a smile.

The screaming man was easier to roll back into the elevator than Skullfuck would have thought. It was really helpful that he had curled up into a little ball. As she punched the button to send him back to the top of the building she hoped they would be stupid enough to send someone else down to her. One or two more victims and maybe she'd be able to hold off her own mental terrors long enough to get a decent night's sleep.

Another Comic Book Writing Post

2011-06-30T02:41:00.006-04:00

Here is a mildly edited transcript of a discussion I had with a friend (who is important enough to me that I will not publicly connect him, or her, to this conversation) about a comic book related idea I had recently.

HWNNBN: Don't know where this came from but I had a super villain team inspiration. "Devil's Wetdream", consists of Donkey Punch, Luv Slug, and Skullfuck.

Friend: Was this a dream, or something you came up with at work?

HWNNBN: Oh, this was work.

Friend: Okay, it sounded like something you would come up with in a period of down time. What are the powers of Luv Slug and Skullfuck...though the last one seems fairly self-explanatory

HWNNBN: I was pretty bored at the time. Actually it came to me while stuck in traffic. Luv Slug is a huge, addictive goo dripping, slug that smears and smothers his opponents. Skullfuck is less literal than it might seem. He causes horrible hallucinations in his victims.

Friend: Ah, more of a metaphorical skullfuck

HWNNBN: Yes. I'm trying to come up with something that not too lame or trite for Donkey Punch. I am very tired so it is difficult. Mostly I thought a villain named Donkey Punch was funny.

Friend: Oh, it is. Just make him a deranged pugilist that runs around in a paper-mache donkey head, sporting brass knuckles on each fist

HWNNBN: For a moment I pictured an anthropomorphic donkey dressed like Rocky Balboa. I like your idea more; that is really funny.

Friend: Thanks.

HWNNBN: Is Queen Queef too much?

Friend: Not at all

HWNNBN: Her powers are pretty self obvious; odor attack and sonic boom. I figure she's a rather large lass that wears a loin cloth.

Friend: That is a horrifying mental image

HWNNBN: Maybe a small crown and a tee shirt that reads, "More cushion for the pushin'!". I keep picturing her leaning slightly forward, "FRARP", and then the loin cloth billowing out accompanied by a large yellow cloud.

Friend: Actually (and I'm horrified that I am trying to make this correction) for her queefing powers to work, she would most likely need to lie prone with her legs spread. Most heroes are so disgusted by her appearance that they hesitate when she lies down. The resulting thunderclap and noxious cloud are then enough to daze and confuse them even further, allowing for her leisurely escape

HWNNBN: Or a hero punching her and briefly getting their fist trapped in one of her folds. When they free themselves the find random junk like partially decomposed food, remote control, old condoms, etc. All this and a coating of fold gunk all over their arm. I agree that laying down is how the sonic boom should be accomplished. It's kinda sad and more than a little wrong that she's become the best defined character so far.

Friend: Well, Skullfuck could be a guy (or gal) who OD'd on shrooms, acid, and salvia all at the same time. It "unlocked" his/her brain in such a way that s/he only gets relief in inflicting the hallucinations on others

HWNNBN: Very nice. I like that so much. I need to go sleep now. Let me know tomorrow if any sex toy inspired villains leap to your mind tonight.

Friend: Okay, will do. Have a good night!

HWNNBN: Good night.

If I committed myself more to my writing I have no doubt that I could be getting the big names in the comic book industry sending me all sorts of denials and fancy restraining orders in no time at all.

Childrens' Safety Song

2010-05-03T12:36:00.002-04:00

My son, who is six, was recently required to learn a short song about crossing a street safely.

(Sung to the tune of, "Mary Had a Little Lamb")
Look before you cross the street, cross the street, cross the street.
Look before you cross the street; Left, right, left.
Stop and look before you cross,
To stay safe each day.

Look before you cross the street, cross the street, cross the street.
Look before you cross the street; Left right, left.
Stop and look before you cross,
To stay safe each.

My son was less than impressed. I am fairly certain that if he didn't already know how to cross the street that this little ditty would not have taught him how. So, (because I am an awesome dad with good parody skills) I came up with an alternative that is catchier, has more memorable lyrics, and that my son actually likes.

(Also sung to the tune of, "Mary Had a Little Lamb")
Look before you cross the street, cross the street, cross the street,
Look before you cross the street,
Or you'll get hit-by-a-truck!

Guts and organs all around, all around, all around,
Guts and organs all around,
That used to be in you!

Nothing left but a bloody smear, bloody smear, bloody smear,
Nothing left but a bloody smear,
Drying in the sun!

Now there's a song with a message that sticks with the listener.

Foul Mouthed Little...

2010-04-12T23:35:00.000-04:00

I have two kids and because of that I am often exposed to other little kids I am not responsible for. Often times I have seen them get very, very angry. They stomp, yell, and throw some awesome tantrums. When I relate stories of particularly good fits to my wife I frequently add my own twist to the tale.

Say a little boy wants his mom to get him chocolate milk with his Mc-future-health-problems Meal, but she insists on the regular milk. In reality he will say, "Mom! I want the choc'ate* milk! Not the yucky milk", and follow that up with a noise I cannot repeat with out causing damage to my sinuses. When I relate this to my wife the boy will say, "Bitch! I said I want choc-ate* milk. Not the that fucking white bullshit you're fixated on".

My wife tells me I am horrible for putting words like in a child's mouth but I don't agree. I am just saying what they would say if they knew how to use those words. The sentiment is certainly there, they just lack the vocabulary. So next time a little kid is mad at you and you feel like they really want to call you a, "mouth breathing, fuck-tard that that doesn't have the brains to jerk off and use a mouse at the same time", just remember its only their lack of words not any kind of self control that stops them. They're little kids and while they may have no Id control they are damned honest.

* Lame-assed attempt a replicating little kid cuteness.

If I Wrote Comicbooks

2010-04-11T00:09:00.002-04:00

(Our scene opens with Wolverine, Cyclops, and Rogue fighting several U-bots (robot minions of Ultron) in a shipyard. Cyclops starts taking them out from a distance as Rogue barrels through them)

Wolverine: I'm not gonna let them have all the fun.

(He dives at a cluster of four U-bots. He starts by slicing the head off of the first and throws the body at two others. Then he lunges at the fourth and plants his claws directly into it's chest. As soon as his fists hit the U-bot's chest his hair sticks straight out, he starts shaking uncontrollably, and smoke starts coming out of his nose and ears. He continues his electrocution mambo until Cyclops blasts the U-bot away. Wolverine falls to the ground in a slightly smoking heap.)

Cyclops: Logan, are you all right? (He rushes over and kneels on one knee to check his fallen team mate)

(Rogue flies in and lands a couple yards away from Cyclops and Wolverine. She starts towards the two men.)

Rogue: Oh mah gawd. Is he gonna be alri- (she is cut off by a loud 'splish' sound) WHAT THE HELL?!? (She looks down at ground) Oh damn that's ah lotta piss!

Cyclops: Oh fuck! It is piss and I'm kneeling in it! (He jumps backs and starts urgently wiping at his knee) How much frigging beer did you drink today? It's not even 4:00pm yet!

(Wolverine struggles to get to his feet)

Wolverine: That's not mine, bub.

Cyclops: Tell that to my dry cleaners, Logan.

Wolverine: No, really. That was already there.

Rogue: Raight, Wolvie. Some one else just happened to take a HUGE piss right here before our fight.

Cyclops: It's still warm.

(Wolverine is visibly agitated at this)

Wolverine: Look, I just took about 10,000 volts and was dead for a few moments there. Let's see either of you do that and keep your pants dry.

Cyclops: I suppose you have a point.

Rogue: Okay, okay. Calm down, darlin'. It's not that bigga deal.

(Wolverine brushes himself off as best he can)

Wolverine: Now let's just keep this little incident to ourselves and get going.

(Cyclops and Rogue look and one another and then bust out laughing. Wolverine is very obviously pissed off by this)

Wolverine: All right, fuck you both. I pissed myself, it happens. Now, grow the fuck up and let it go!

(Cyclops has to take off his visor to wipe the tears away and Rogue is nearly doubled over laughing.)

Rogue: Darlin' it's not that. (She points over Wolverine's shoulder) Look behind you.

(Wolverine looks very puzzled but slowly turns around to see the Avengers, Fantastic Four, Spider-man, and a host of other New York based heroes all standing in the ship yard)

Spider-man: We saw the fireworks and came to help but it looks like you put the fire out all by yourself, Wolvie.

(All of the assembled heroes start laughing hysterically. Wolverine's shoulders slump.)

Wolverine: I'll be in the Blackbird.

Cyclops: Not unless you lay down a towel or something, mister.

(END)

This story is also available with better intro at A Bureaucracy of One.

You know they would if they could

2008-05-05T23:43:00.000-04:00

(HR Rep) We are happy that you've decided to join our little family at HappyLife Insurance, a subsidiary of Soulless Monster Corp. If there is anything I can help with, just ask.

(You)I have one little question.

(HR Rep) I am happy to answer any questions you have. You're part of the team now and we are all here to help one another.

(You)Umm...it's activity number three in the orientation package.

(HR Rep)Yes?

(You)Well, when it says, "violent sodomy", is that an euphemism or something?

(HR Rep)No, no, no. You'll be sodomized by upper management; it's a team building exercise that helps you learn how the chain of command works.

(You) What?

(HR Rep)I know what you are thinking, but it is all done with safety as an utmost concern. Lubrication is provided, condoms are used, and I hear that it helps if you can relax.

(You)Isn't that kind of sexist?

(HR Rep) Not at all. Sodomy was chosen because everyone can be sodomized. It's quite equal opportunity.

(You)Uh...doesn't that exclude the female upper management?

(HR Rep) Oh not at all. There are harnesses and prosthetics provided. In fact some of the women are our most enthusiastic participants.

(You) Oh, I see.

(HR Rep) Now if you'll just sign these waiver and non-disclosure forms we'll finish up your new hire paperwork.

(You) You do have an excellent health plan.

(HR Rep) Glad to have you aboard.

God is wise.

2008-04-27T19:58:00.000-04:00

Why exactly is God wise you might ask. Simply put he has never, no matter how often I've prayed for them, given me super powers. It's not because I am an evil person that would use my abilities for foul purpose. Truth to tell I would slap on a mask, fight bad guys, save cats from trees, and tell kids to stay away from drugs. The problem would arise as soon as some assbag cut me off in traffic, comes to an almost complete stop for a simple turn, goes before his or her turn at a four way stop, etc. Because then all of my goodwill towards humanity goes out the window and I would unleash my super powered wrath on them and their vehicle. So next time some jackass pisses me off on the road they have God to thank that I'm not nuking them with my laser eyes.

Cheese

2008-04-25T12:37:00.000-04:00

I am a lover of cheese. So much so that I am the head of a fraternal organization of cheese lovers, The Cheese Brothers. I will elaborate more on this once the web site is back up.

Now I want to say a few things about my two favorites, Jarlsberg and Blue. Jarlsberg has a sweet, nutty flavor and firm texture. In comparison Blue is sharp but with a soft, creamy texture. They make great snacks with crackers, go well with salads, and their range of flavors compliment a variety of foods.

Lets not forget Blue Cheese dressing either; nothing is more relaxing than a nice cool glass of it at the end of the day.